Finding Solace Amidst Familial and Societal Estrangement

Simboli del sogno

I had a dream that my father told me that my mother said she didn’t love me and my sister and she actually didn’t wanna spend time with us anymore and that she actually loved when her work was chaotic, which is interesting because my parents are divorced and don’t speak and waking life. I just got back from a lovely vacation with my mom and siblings and my mom loves me very much but in the dream I was feeling very hurt And sad and lonely and we were actually at this very religious retreat and this huge kind of castle like building in the church that we attended occasionally when I was a child was in a old small castle, but it was in Ohio. It was not that large. This one was huge, and it was also very conservative which ours was Not. I wasn’t raised particularly religious, but this one was super religious and I am gay woman and waking life and I was feeling like I had to kind of hide and be safe and not show any signs or anything and there was like series of stairs that were really kind of confusing to navigate, but I was trying to avoid these like super religious people and who were wearing like cloaks and I was wearing like a very short dress Which isn’t how I would typically dress at this age of my life, but I used to dress that way, and it was very revealing, and I was actually feeling kind of like aroused wearing it, but I felt like I had to kind of hide that too and I kept trying to find my mom because I wanted to talk to her about what my dad had said because I was feeling really sad about it and she was kind of being dismissive to me like saying later and like talking to other people and my aunt Kristie, my mom stepsister was organizing this like find the danish hunt for children in the church and they had to go around and find danishes which is really weird and they had to wear these masks like up paper masks to their face and there was one for me, but I couldn’t find my mask and then I was confused why I was in the children’s game because I’m 36 but like they kept telling me to participate and like hurry up and I was working on like some craft projects out in the lawn, like a secluded part of the lawn and playing the Nutcracker like Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker really loudly which in hindsight could’ve been my alarm clock going off because it plays classical music in the dream. It was me playing music. I was just feeling very isolated and ostracized and lonely and sad like deeply sad because I love my mother and it was sad to hear my father say that and there was a point when I was confronting my mother and my father was there and I was like dad said that you don’t love me and you never wanna see me again And she was like that’s not what I said. I just said I needed some space and I was tired of all these vacations, and that you’re too kind of clingy which was still hurtful, but then it was even more hurtful that my dad lied and exaggerated which he is known to do as a narcissist, so they were really layers of being betrayed by my family and thendislike intended ostracization that was happening both from my family, but also having to be in this like hyper religious church as someone who is queer and not super religious