Returning to College and Facing the Storm Within

I went back to college to play soccer at my undergrad, Alma college. This was something I did in real life when I was in college, but the dream seemed to indicate I did that now with all of the other experiences I’ve had. It felt like an exciting thing, but also in the back of my mind a step back and wondering if I’m too old for this. Then the clouds changed to this really grey sky and was this huge hail storm that sounded like gun shots and to me the world ending that were going off when they hit. A couple hit me in the head, whic hurt and made me get under a tree and then under some steps for cover. Two girls seemed to find me underneath there and I believe they both were in the fur part of the dream that I can’t remember. I was talking to two girls underneath. For context, there was one that I recognized from real life from a previous hookup back in my 20s who has a lot of the same sexual interests as I did but being scared, inexperienced, a virgin, and uptight at the time, I wasn’t able to follow through well, which I still will feel bad about now because I feel it was a lost opportunity. She wanted to have sex without a condom and was into creampies, which I really was too and at the time it’s all that I wanted to do but my biggest fear at the time was getting someone pregnant and I thought it could happen to me even if I wore a condom and didn’t finish. Even if I did follow what she wanted though, since it was my first time and my body was so chronically fatigued, I don’t think I would have finished anyway. She’s the one who also took my virginity. Back to the dream. She apologized for something that made sense in the dream, but doesn’t make sense now. She had a lot of black stuff on her face near her eyes and cheeks almost like she had been crying and asked me to kiss her so I did and we made out. Then there was another girl that was attractive too and I seemed to be somewhat familiar with her too, and once the other girl slid back, we kissed as well. Somehow a little time later as the hail stopped and the sun came out, I found myself on the bus with both girls and started seeing soccer practice getting started again. One of the assistant coaches noticed me and told me to get off of the bus and that I wouldn’t be playing in the activity that they had and seemed to indicate I wasn’t taking this seriously. I had missed picking up all of the free gear that you would get playing soccer in college, had missed this scrimmage after the hail storm, and missing things that I’m supposed to be at is one of my biggest fears. In fact, I just actually did it the previous day in real life when I was late to a meeting with my practitioner who works for me as an independent contractor and I made her wait just because I screwed up the time by 30 minutes and in the meeting, I felt stressed trying to give advice to a practitioner that was working with a stubborn client. Back to the dream, after the scrimmage I saw Max who was an old teammate of mine and he asked if I had played yet in the scrimmage, which I replied no not yet and that I had been talking to the coaches about when I could come in. He asked if I had played in a while and I don’t remember answering but I do remember thinking that I hadn’t played all of the previous summer. So again getting a sense of feeling late and behind. After the scrimmage there seemed to be a break where I’m assuming there was a lunch, but I don’t remember eating. I just remember talking to some of the female and male soccer players, one I seemed to recognize from the women’s team from when I played in college. From there, all I remember is going back to where my parents were staying at their hotel and then checking my schedule on my phone and seeing if there was anything in the calendar. I had missed that we had a nighttime soccer meeting at 9:30 and I ended up missing it. I noticed when it was 9:25. I remember my old coach instill in us that if you’re late, you’ll be punished and when you walk in everyone will be looking at you which for me, was punishment enough. I tried to get an uber or Lyft knowing I was within walking distance, but I wasn’t going to get to the meeting walking in 5 minutes. But as I tried, I couldn’t find the Uber or Lyft apps. My search function on my iPhone wouldn’t work for some reason and wasn’t seeing them within my apps on my phone. Once I found them to get a quick ride to get to the meeting, they wouldn’t give me any available drivers and then I remembered that I was living in a small town at the school and probably wasn’t going to be able to get a ride with the apps because it probably wasn’t a popular service do of course there were no rides. At that time, I had the realization that my body was way too chronically fatigued that I couldn’t possibly continue to play college soccer, especially knowing that I already had graduated from grad school and have a business making money, which is true in real life. It didn’t make sense to pay 30k for the year to suffer through playing a sport I didn’t want to play partially because I wasn’t good in comparison to the competition, but even more so I just didn’t have the energy to keep up which was also the reason I quit during college. I had my mom and dad drive me but by the dorms by the time the meeting was over. We packed up my stuff from the right side of the room, but since no one else is there being an early enrollee that soccer players are in real life to prep for the season, there was no one else rooming with me. This made sense because I had experienced the same in real life. My parents talked to some of my teammates I have known but for some reason they seemed to know as well and that’s when I woke up.