11/1/2026
Recurring Nightmares and the Search for Liberation
Dream symbols
I have this terrible terrible nightmare. It starts with meeting Ken he has been so offended by jonathan and jonathan won’t apologise. He goes away and treats himself with things because he has been given free money. Jonathan is sitting in a bar and Ken tells me where he is. Ken goes off to get things for his new life. I am then with my mother in Spain my sister brother and son are there he’s about Lucas age. My mother is in a bedroom I go in and she says I want you to leave. She then adds I hate you and I have no love for you. I never want to see you in my life again. I am distraught I go to find my phone to phone Julia I see my brother and sister but they are all asleep I try to wake th but they don’t care. I go back to see my mother to try to change her mind she says that a clairvoyant said that she will stop being mad when her daughter Catherine is dead. I think this is my mother’s level of madness as when she was psychotic I used to think that it will be better when she’s dead. As an adult she would turn in me when drunk and be really mean. In the night I have a brain shock as I am dreaming this. I have to get to Julia but she has a Russian surname like the poetess Ratushinskaya who I love and I have no idea how to remember. There is either my brother son or Luca and he adores me but I want to protect him and have to get him away so I can get to speak. I don’t know if I have swum or not but I am crying now. My mother banishes me and I say I don’t know what is going on through time - the ages but I want it to stop in this lifetime next lifetimes and eternity. I leave again I keep trying to remember Julia and I think this too has happened to me before and I can’t find Julia’s number. It’s as if I can’t get to the good. I phone Jonathan and tell him about my sleeping family and he says to me that it’s absolutely terrible. I then wake up and think this is what’s repeating in my life - is this the key that having had so little sense of self worth that I am trapped again where the only way out is if the person dies. I then remember climbing out of the convent to get away from abuse only to go back and then again leaving Neil because of the abuse only to spend 20 years in a state of terror to go back to abuse again - jonathan said to me the other night I know you love me but your not happy you are not sure all this is you. He said last night did I love him marginally. I said yes I love him marginally especially when in bed as our world softens and he said well buck yourself up snap out of it I said how can I when you told me last night - that the only thing that matters is you because you have the money and I needed to get that into my head. He then went in the attack to shut me up saying he had built me two studios and he was very generous where I feel trapped in a nightmare.
Your nightmare is a deeply complex and emotional reflection of your inner fears, unresolved conflicts, and sense of self-worth. Let’s break down the various elements to understand their meanings and connections to your waking life:
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Conflict Between Ken and Jonathan:
- Interpretation: Ken's offense by Jonathan and Jonathan's refusal to apologize might symbolize a conflict or unresolved tension in your waking life. This could reflect feelings of injustice or betrayal, or it might represent internal conflicts between parts of yourself, such as rationality versus emotion.
- Connection: This might relate to feeling trapped in situations where reconciliation isn't possible or where you feel undervalued and unappreciated.
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Your Mother in the Dream:
- Interpretation: Your mother’s rejection and harsh words can symbolize deep-seated feelings of abandonment, lack of affection, or unresolved childhood trauma. The reference to a clairvoyant and the wish for change only through death suggests a desperate desire for transformation and an end to recurring pain.
- Connection: This may stem from real-life experiences of feeling judged or unloved by parental figures or authority figures, possibly linked to earlier memories or ongoing relationships with family.
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Sleeping Family and The Urgency to Contact Julia:
- Interpretation: Your family's indifference while asleep suggests feelings of isolation and helplessness, as though those you rely on for support are unavailable or uninterested. The difficulty in contacting Julia, despite feeling that she symbolizes something good or reassuring, indicates that you feel cut off from sources of comfort or rescue.
- Connection: This may relate to times in your life when support systems failed you or when you struggled to connect with those who could provide emotional relief.
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Desire for Escape and Protection:
- Interpretation: The urgent need to protect and find someone who adores you suggests a protective instinct either towards your inner child or loved ones in life. It can indicate a struggle to balance self-preservation with the need to care for those you love.
- Connection: This reflects patterns of seeking safety and escaping from abusive or harmful situations, as hinted at with memories of crawling out to escape abuse.
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Julia’s Russian Surname & Memory Struggle:
- Interpretation: The difficulty in remembering Julia’s name symbolizes a feeling of disconnection from what brings you peace or realization. It emphasizes the repeating cycle of longing for stability and happiness but finding it elusive.
- Connection: This might symbolically represent losing sight of personal goals or joys amid complex emotional challenges.
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Realization of Cycles of Abuse:
- Interpretation: The dream concludes with a powerful moment of acknowledging a pattern of abuse and self-worth issues manifesting throughout your life. It suggests a critical reflection of recurring situations and a yearning for lasting change.
- Connection: This relates to a real-life recognition of how past experiences with abuse and low self-esteem may influence current relationships or situations, including with Jonathan.
Overall Theme: The overarching theme of your nightmare is a persistent struggle with self-worth, unresolved familial tensions, and patterns of emotional and possibly physical abuse. The dream speaks to a significant need for healing, self-understanding, and empowerment to break free from cyclical trauma and cultivate a more peaceful and fulfilling reality.
Suggested Actions:
- Seek Therapy or Counseling: This dream indicates a need for professional support to address deep-rooted emotional issues and explore paths to healing and empowerment.
- Journaling: Write about your feelings upon waking, as this can provide insight and help process emotions tied to these dreams.
- Reevaluate Relationships: Consider the dynamics in current relationships and make changes where necessary to cultivate healthy boundaries and self-respect.
- Explore Self-worth: Engage in activities that boost self-esteem and help define your own value beyond others’ perceptions or material circumstances.
By untangling these dream elements and understanding their mirrored reality, you can begin to navigate towards healing and find a way to change these distressing cycles.